


Exposed

by breatherepeat



Series: Learning to love yourself [4]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Coming Out, Established Relationship, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Self-Acceptance, Self-Esteem Issues, Sexual Content, Sexuality Crisis, Therapy, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-31
Updated: 2019-09-01
Packaged: 2020-10-03 19:31:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20458289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/breatherepeat/pseuds/breatherepeat
Summary: The video is posted and the truth is out to the world. Dan continues on his journey to self-acceptance and love.





	1. Chapter 1

It was absolutely bizarre being out to the world. For one, nothing changed. 

Nothing. 

He still woke up the next morning. He still had to push some body part of Phil off his own to get out of the bed. That morning it had been Phil’s leg. 

We still needed to use the toilet and brush the morning taste out of his mouth. 

He made his coffee, with another one for Phil, who was now in the bath taking a shower. A shower where he would likely use too many towels and hang them all over the room. 

He still had to wash the dishes from the night before that Phil conveniently “forgot about” before he went to bed. 

He still needed to eat breakfast. He smiled to himself as he poured two bowls of cereal, his with slightly more almond milk than Phil’s, and felt Phil’s hands wrap around his waist. Phil kissed his neck, right below his ear, with Phil’s body falling into his because Dan was too tall for Phil to kiss him there without standing up on his toes. 

He still needed to respond to emails, especially with VidCon around the corner and the business side of merch needing to be finalized. In his half year sabbatical, the emails decreased some, but he was still a business man with ideas to approve and implement. 

He still opened the apps for Twitter, Instagram, and Tumblr following his breakfast. 

There were still comments about his sexuality and his relationship with Phil. There was still memes about his life, mostly made in good fun. 

Only this morning, it wasn’t a secret anymore. It wasn’t a hidden shame or something to be furiously protected. 

While the aftermath of coming out to his family was underwhelming because apparently he was just confirming what they already knew, declaring his sexuality to the world had the potential to be harrowing. 

The world was a big place with many different types of people that had their own issues they were dealing with. They were likely to have opinions and feel the need to express their opinions in enthusiastic means. 

There were people that had watched them for years that might take offense to the fact that Dan lied to them. Others that might find it distasteful that Dan had declared he was not gay with so much conviction to only make a 45 minute video about essentially being gay. And the reality of having people that would likely denounce him for being a man that loved a man. 

And perhaps LGBTQA+ individuals and groups that felt Dan should have been supporting them for years due to his number of viewers and platform for influence. He was supposed to be “an ally in arms” and “out and proud,” not cowering in the corner of his heteronormative appearance reinforcing that non-straight people should be ashamed of themselves. 

There was a new vulnerability now he had with his audience. A vulnerability that changed from the cheeky “you likely already think this about me so I’m going to make a comment about liking a popular television actor” to “yup, I liked dick the whole time, please don’t hate me for not being secure enough to tell you sooner.” 

“How is it?” Phil asked as he returned from washing their morning dishes. Like he typically would as way of apology for not cleaning up when it was his turn the night before. He sat next to Dan on the sofa and attempted to lay his head on his shoulder. He knocked his glasses off and had to straighten them before judging the space better to rest on Dan’s shoulder. “Are they losing their collective shit?”

Kissing the top of his head, Dan sat down further into the sofa so Phil would rest more against his side. He turned the laptop to show him some of the comments on the video. For the most part, they were all encouraging and supportive. 

Twitter had been similar to YouTube, but there was other tweets that popped up from random people that felt the internet was their shield to be as bigoted and mean as possible. 

Instagram was amazing, with only positive comments as far as he had seen. 

Tumblr would have to wait for another day. He had glanced at it briefly but it was another world on there and he didn’t know what he would encounter on the website. 

He could only imagine what Reddit would produce. 

“Mostly kind. A few losing their shit, in a good way. A few people that likely have no idea who I am but saw the word ‘gay’ and jumped on it. It seems unreal.” 

“How are you?” Phil asked as he read through more comments as Dan scrolled. 

“Neutral?” 

“Neutral.” Phil traced his finger along the top of Dan’s forearm. “Neutral seems like a safe word.” 

Dan knew Phil was saying that Dan might not be allowing himself to feel what he was really experiencing. 

“It is what I’m going with for now.” Dan switched the screen to his email. “I will check back in with you when I figure it out myself.” 

“Did you see the email from Martyn?” Phil pointed to the email listed among other unopened ones on the screen. “He needs to know the answer soon. We would need to sort out our visas as well. Why didn’t you read it yet?”

“I’ve been a bit busy.” Dan clicked on it and saw it was a proposal to take more time in the United States. “Kinda been excavating through an emotional graveyard of bullshit and shame here.” 

“Sorry. I really want to do it.” Phil looked up see Dan’s face. “Would you want to do that?” 

“A bit more outdoors than we are used to.” Dan read through the proposed itinerary. “You know they like to be extra adventurous on holiday.” 

“We have been held up in this flat for months. It will be nice to get some air.” 

“Hot air. Isn’t that like the hottest part of the country?” 

“You wanted a holiday after you finished filming and it never happened. It would be our holiday. Especially after all those eyes at VidCon.”

“It wouldn’t just be ours though. Your brother will be there.” 

“And Cornelia. But we like them, remember.” 

Dan scrolled back up to the top of the email again and started reading back through, not giving Phil an answer. 

“Do we not like them?”

“Adrian said he was getting jealous of all the holidaying with your brother.” 

“Then invite him!” Phil poked at Dan's arm to emphasize the obvious solution.

“I don’t know if he would have the time. Or the money. He has been seeing that lady, the one in the picture I showed you. It might be awkward to ask her to come when he has only just started dating her. And it would be awkward to not invite her.” 

“You will never know unless you ask.” Phil watched as Dan clicked back to another screen and started reading through the video comments. He was reading slower than he typically would and Phil wondered if he was even reading the words on the screen. “Something else is going on.” 

“We will go. Tell him we are in.” Dan kept his eyes on the screen and tried to ignore the fact that he was getting irritated. He mainly ignored it because he wasn’t sure why he was getting upset. 

“Good, because I already told him a month ago when he first asked. Promise me you will tell me what the other thing is when you are ready.” 

“I promise.” 

As they were getting ready for bed a few nights later, Phil sat on his phone and Dan on his, Dan realized why he was so upset. 

“Nothing changed.” 

“What do you mean?”

“Nothing changed. I went through all of that. I had to live through hating myself and being ashamed of who I was. All those years terrified that someone was going to find out about us. That my family would hate me and shun me. That my father might actually cause me physical harm if I finally said the word to him. Or my grandfather insist that everyone pray for my soul. That our audience would disappear if we ever told them we lied to them this whole time.” Dan turned off his phone and let it fall to the bed beside him. “Then, then, I had to relive all those memories and make myself feel like shit for nothing to change. I still have my family. I still have you. I still have my career. I literally could have done this years ago and saved myself all that self-hatred and anguish bullshit.” 

“Things changed. You changed.” Phil nudged Dan’s leg with his foot. 

“No, I mean, yes, some things changed. I feel better about myself. I finally have a relationship with my family that doesn’t make me want to break out in cold sweats. I feel I can make content that is more true to myself.” Dan stood up from the bed and began to pace. He hadn’t paced in a while. He hadn’t needed to. “But that likely would have happened if I had done this in 2014, or even sooner. I tortured myself for no reason. Because nothing changed. All that time wasted. And for what? That big scary monster that lived inside my head was a fake.”

Phil watched Dan pace for a few laps in their bedroom and then decided Dan needed a gentle shove in a new direction. “Did he have a name? Or did I misgender them? Was it a female monster? Maybe a non-binary one. Do monsters always have to have genders? Do they have sex organs? Not that biological sex indicates gender. Do you think monsters have to have sex with each other to produce more monsters? Like in Shrek? Or do we just imagine them into being?” 

“Wha-aat?” Dan stopped pacing near the end of the large bed and laughed with his hands on his hips. 

“I still think that Donkey having sex with that dragon would have likely killed him. He was so much smaller than her. Hey, macrophilia!" Phil's whole face lit up as he realized the next bit. "Bruh, I just realized that it has my name in it. Phil-ia.” 

“Do you always have to be so strange? And you cannot pull off 'bruh.'” Dan let himself sink back into the bed. Dan's agitation from earlier was gone. “Can’t you just let me have my emotional meltdown?” 

“I’m not telling you how to feel or anything, but come on, love. You won this one. You were brave and you allowed yourself to be vulnerable, and you came out on top. Is there any guarantee that it would have worked out so well back then? You cannot go back and change the past. Freaking out about it now is the same as you thinking you wasted time freaking out about it before. It is a waste of time. Now, get back in bed because I want to talk more about monsters getting freaky with one another.” 

Dan plugged in his phone on his side of the bed and then moved himself further back into the bed and closer to the middle. He then took away Phil’s phone and hooked it to the charger on his side. He removed Phil’s glasses next, placing them with care on the table by the bed so Phil would find them in the morning. Dan felt Phil watching him the whole time. Turning his attention back to Phil, Dan smiled before leaning down to kiss him. 

The kiss started slow and soft, with Dan resting his hand on the back of Phil’s neck. Raising his hand up into the short-hairs on the back of his head, Dan licked into Phil’s now open mouth and deepened the kiss. 

They had done a lot of kissing in the past few months. There were a few hand jobs and the emotional disaster of attempting to have sex following Dan’s emails to his family. But mostly kissing. 

“Maybe we could talk about two proud, openly gay men getting freaky with one another instead?” Dan licked with the tip of his tongue from Phil’s bottom lip to the top and kept his mouth close to Phil’s. “Or does monster sex get you going?” 

“Definitely the gay men one. I’m not officially 100% out yet though.” Phil raised his head up to go back to kissing, but Dan pulled back with a smirk. “What?” 

“Kissing is not talking.” Dan shook his head slightly to the left and then the right. 

“Or, is it talking without words? All the same parts are involved. See.” Phil quickly moved forward and was able to briefly capture Dan’s lips before they were pulled away again. 

“Maybe we should actually talk first though.” Dan kissed the corner of Phil’s mouth and then rolled back so he was lying on his back but still close to Phil. 

“Are you afraid that what happened last time will happen again?” Phil turned to lie on his side and brushed his leg against Dan’s. 

Dan reached for Phil’s hand and rested it against his chest, fully covering one of the cat’s heads on his shirt. “I shouldn’t have done what I did last time. I was stuck in my head and it had worked before, so I tried it.” 

“You have done that before?” Phil stopped Dan’s hand from fidgeting with his own. “Has that happened before and I just didn’t know?” 

Dan nodded his head but kept his eyes on their joined hands on his chest. His head got messed up at times and sex was always a way to distance himself from what he was feeling at the time. He assumed other people did it as well. He wasn’t sure if people silently cried during sex though. If Phil hadn’t of been so into it the other times, he likely would have picked up on the signs. But Dan didn’t want him to know and he got good at hiding it. Most of the time, it worked and it got him out of his head enough that he could relax. It was just the times that it didn’t work that Dan figured he needed to work on. 

“Dan, that is not okay.” Phil was tearing up now and he was mad that Dan had never told him before. 

“It probably has happened a handful of times. That I couldn’t get out of my head enough to fully enjoy it.” Dan looked up and saw the tears in Phil’s eyes, making him feel like maybe he shouldn’t have told him. “Most of the time it worked. Your dick is astounding at getting me out of my head.” 

“Thanks.” Phil brushed away a tear and laid so he was on his back again. His hand was still on Dan’s chest but the angle was awkward now so he tried to move it, but Dan stopped him. 

“Are you upset with me?” Dan turned so he was closer into Phil’s space, his hand gripping Phil’s tight. 

“Yes. I thought when we were doing that, you liked it.” Phil wished he could see better. The room was dim, making it even harder to see without his glasses. The room was just one vast dark space with a distant light in the background. 

“I love when we are doing that. It is even better than when you let me do it to you and I love doing that to you.” Dan smiled and moved up so he could kiss Phil’s cheek, and then kiss a trail leading down his neck. He also wondered why they were talking in euphemisms after being together for ten years. “I wasn’t just being rude. Your dick being inside me really does it for me. It calms me, if that isn’t weird to say. Like, I’m connected to you in a way that is just for us.” 

“I don’t like that you…” Phil took a deep breath. “It is like I’m hurting you and I don’t like that. If you can ban me from driving, I am going to ban you from that.” 

“From your dick? You are going to compare a motor vehicle to your own massive...” 

“Daniel James. I’m being serious here.” Phil pulled his hand from Dan's and swatted at Dan’s chest. “Don’t do that. You talk to me and tell me what is going on. Please.” 

“I will.” Dan took back Phil’s hand into his own and laid his head back on his chest. “You think that there is a word for mythical creatures having sex with real animals? Doesn’t that just break all the rules of biology or something. Realistically, her eggs would have been, what quarter the size of Donkey? What was he shooting that he could fertilize those?” 

“Are we not going to talk about having sex?” Phil looked towards the top of Dan's head. Maybe it would be better if they turned a light on.

“I thought you didn’t want to now.” Dan pushed himself into his elbow and looked towards Phil. "That you are upset with me."

“Daniel, it has been close to four months! I mean, as your, what did you call me, ‘life companion,’ I fully supported your decision to not have sex in those four months because you didn’t think you could handle it. But you are settled now, right? And four months, Dan. Four months.” Phil brushed his hand across Dan’s stomach and slowly raised up the bottom of his shirt, teasing the short hairs nearing the waistband of his joggers. 

“Calling you my boyfriend sounded a bit juvenile and that would open the door to more questions. And partner seemed a bit open-ended.” Dan covered Phil’s hand with his own and pushed Phil’s hand down further yet still over his joggers. “What should we talk about? I don’t know if we ever really talked about it before. After the first time, I mean. Since then it has either been ‘wanna fuck?’ or we just do it.” 

“Tell me one time in life we have ever said ‘wanna fuck?’ Sounds like a rude American sitcom expression.” 

“Maybe I just say it in my head.” Dan slowly let out the air in his lungs as he raised his hips up to meet Phil’s hand. He was already half-hard and knew he wasn’t just trying to get out of his head this time. 

“Really, all the beautiful words you could think to call it and it is ‘wanna fuck?’ I thought you said my dick was magical or something.” Phil gripped the clear outline of Dan’s erection through the thin material. 

“I’m pretty sure I did not call your dick magical.” Dan let out a low moan as Phil’s hand kept a solid pressure and began to move up and down his length. “What would you say, linguistics degree? Want to make love? De-flower my essense?” 

“Shut up.” Phil’s hand stilled and he slid in closer so he was flush against Dan’s side. 

Dan smiled and pulled Phil down to him by placing a hand at the base of his neck. 

“Are we talking about this or just doing it?" Phil hovered near Dan's mouth. 

“I know that I’m ready.” Dan used the hand that was not holding Phil’s head close to him to brush underneath Phil’s pants and pull him closer against his side. “I want to get lost in the taste of you and the feel of you inside me. What do you want?” 

“I want to make you feel good.” Phil narrowed the short gap between the mouths and kissed Dan. Pulling back slightly so he could catch his breath and speak, Phil continued, “I want to feel you around me and know that you are fully with me. I want that connection between only us.” 

“Did we talk enough?” Dan smiled into the kiss and pressed his hips up into Phil’s hand. 

Phil moaned his answer and climbed on top of Dan, pressing his weight against his body before starting to remove their clothes. 

“It was the most intense and connected sex we have ever had. That mind-blowing, toe-curling kind that you see in the movies and think there is no way that can be real.” Dan couldn’t help the grin that was on his face as he tried to describe something that words could never truly explain. He couldn’t make eye contact with his therapist because it felt like he was already sharing too much, so he just focused on the equality sign on his office desk. “The kind of sex that makes you think maybe it is time to take that box with the rings in it out of the safe and think about vows. And everything that goes with that.” 

“It sounds like you sorted out a lot in the past month and are looking more into the future. That has always been scary for you.” His therapist raised his eyebrows in question when Dan turned to look at him. Dan’s face was still flush but the grin was replaced with a more serious expression. 

“I think it always will be, but it seems more...manageable? No, that can’t be the right word. Obtainable?” Dan uncrossed his legs and pulled the fabric bunching around his knee. “It feels like I can allow myself to believe it is a real possibility. He is not leaving me. I don’t have to keep worrying about that to make it not happen. I can put faith in the fact that we can have that future. I don’t have to keep anticipating the day everything is going to go to shit. My family knows. The world knows. It is not going to be taken away from me. He will not be taken away from me. He won’t hurt me. I can allow myself to let my guard down. To trust that I deserve this.” 

“I think the word obtainable is a good one.” His therapist smiled and saw the tension leave Dan’s face. “Time to lower the shields and focus on the next steps.”


	2. Chapter 2

Dan went outside more than what he joked that he did, but the truth was, he would rather stay in his safe bubble than venture out into the world. Food delivery service and Amazon were some of the best inventions for the scared, closeted person he had become. The outside world was scary, especially when you have a secret to keep and secret shame to conceal. In the comfort of his own home, if he wanted to kiss Phil or sit so close to him it was hard to see which body part belonged to which person, he could. Outside his own home, he would never dare show that side of himself. And if he had a choice, he was going to choose the place he would do whatever he wanted with Phil rather than feel like a freak. He had spent years feeling like a freak that didn’t belong and he never wanted to go back to that feeling. 

Being out was exciting and liberating at Pride. He was surrounded by other people that likely had similar stories and journeys and were being supportive of one another. A place where they could be themselves without fear of someone giving them a look or making a comment. A place Dan never thought he could belong because he figured he wasn’t ever going to be able to escape from that corner he had created for himself. 

But Pride was not everyday life and being out in public was almost paralyzing at times. 

Going through customs was always a nerve racking experience. No matter how noble and legal your entrance was into another country, it always felt like they were going to throw you into airport prison or deport you back to your country. And because he had the nerves of a newborn fawn, he typically presented himself as someone that had something to hide. Over the years, it has led to many awkward moments inside an airport. This time, it had led to Dan saying the wrong name when asked and having the person wave him over to the next line. A line that asked you way too many questions and made you feel like a terrorist. Phil waited for him and soon the airport police cleared Dan to enter the country. He thought about tweeting it or making it a story, but he was too shook from the experience and didn’t want to give them a reason to call him back in for questioning. 

“Safe word?”

“Hmmm. Pancakes.” Phil smiled into the mirror of their hotel bathroom as his fixed his hair, with his eyes scrunching up when he met Dan’s eyes looking back at him. 

“Oh course it is pancakes.” Dan laughed brushing a straid of his hair backward to have it fall right back into the same spot. He wished he could calm his nerves a little bit. His heart was doing that fluttering thing and it was unsettling. 

“You ready for this?” Phil turned away from their reflections and moved closer to Dan. Brushing his hand across his waist to rest on Dan’s hip, Phil searched for answers on Dan’s face. “We don’t have to do it if you don’t want to.” 

“No, I’m good. I promise I will shout pancakes if I need to.” Dan leaned forward and rested the side of his head against Phil’s. The whole trip had already been somewhat exhausting and there was more coming up all too soon. 

VidCon was not Pride. There was not a guarantee that there would be unconditional love and acceptance here. And, he couldn’t leg it back to their flat after a few hours if he felt that overwhelming urge to hide. 

Self-acceptance and being open with others was still frightening and it would be easy to revert back to old habits. He joked about having a touch of agoraphobia but if this whole trip didn’t go well, he could see himself holding up in their flat and relying on delivery services for at least a few years. 

There were lights flashing around them and a loud beat of some remix was making his skin vibrate. The music was surrounding the room filled with men talking, laughing, and dancing with other men. His 16 year old self was quaking inside his 28 year old brain. There were a few females scattered about, but the majority were men and they were men that slept with other men. 

Not that they were literally having sex with each other in the club, at least from what he could see. But Dan would imagine them all naked and grinding against one another without shame and thought to who knew about them. Which was stupid because obviously he wasn’t the only queer person in the world that struggled to accept his sexuality and not all queer men fucked any queer man they could find. 

John guided them to a tall table with no chairs and asked what they wanted to drink. He was a good host and knew that both of them were out of their comfort zone, but it seemed like an important step in their coming out to the world journey. 

Both Dan and Phil took in the scene playing out around them as they waited for John to return with their drinks. They didn’t say anything to one another, but Dan could feel Phil’s arm brush up against him and he knew he was likely experiencing the same thing he was experiencing. They were out of their element and it was overwhelming, but a bit exciting at the same time. 

Thankfully John returned relatively soon with the drinks and started asking them questions about their trip and settling into California. Safe questions that allowed them both to sip their drinks and ease into themselves a bit more. John really was a great host. Before leaving to get them another drink, John asked if they wanted to take a selfie to remember the moment. Something else that was safe and old hat. Dan on one side and Phil on the other, bright smile for the camera. 

“Bloody hell this is weird.” Phil broke the silence between them after John left to get more drinks. He turned away from two men rubbing against one another on the dance floor to some song he had never heard before. “I feel like we are in a movie. A very gay movie and no one has noticed yet that there are these two tall men that crashed the set.” 

“That is the perfect way to describe what I’m feeling.” Dan smiled and stepped closer to brush against Phil again, his fingers tangling with Phil’s for a moment. He was nowhere near the comfort level of the majority of the men dancing on top of one another but he wanted to touch him. They never really touched each other in front of other people they didn’t know. He felt completely comfortable wrapping his arms around Phil or holding his hand in front of Phil’s parents and brother and a few close friends but that was his limit. “Like I’m just waiting for us to get kicked out.” 

Phil held eye contact with Dan as he wrapped a finger around Dan’s. They stood there like that until John returned with their drinks and a story about the bartender. 

After the second drink Dan decided he needed to use the toilet and asked Phil if he wanted to come with him. Phil shook his head and said he wouldn’t be able to wee in public, especially there. John gave him a gentle reminder to prepare himself for the restroom for it wasn’t just a stereotype that gay clubs had hook-up spots and places to get high. 

Thankfully, the restroom was clean and only had one other person in it. There didn’t seem to be any drugs laying around either. Going to the furthest urinal way from the other man, Dan relaxed himself enough to do what he came here for and soon was ready to step toward the sinks to wash his hands. The other man had already left and for a few seconds, it was just Dan in the dimly lit room. 

There was a full length mirror in front of the sinks and Dan took in the sight of himself. His hair was still relatively in place, but the heat from the California weather had made it a bit more curly than when he left the hotel. The club was warm with all the bodies and lights, but Dan wasn’t sweaty. He looked exactly like he did in the mirror at the hotel, and their mirror at home, but that didn’t seem right because he was standing in a gay club in America. 

A loud, beautiful man interrupted his moment of self-reflection and near panic by busting into the room. 

“God there are so many people here tonight.” The loud man shouted into the room, obviously used to having to raise his voice over the crowd to be heard out in the club. “I swear since they posted that picture on Insta even more fuckboys have been showing up. Good for business though, right? Fuckboys bring men with money that want to fuck those boys!”

Dan stood frozen in his spot, still hunched over to reach the water coming out of the tap. His eyes followed the movement of the man. He had straight brown hair and what looked like eyeliner highlighting his eyes. His body muscular but lean underneath the thin black shirt, like a swimmer who decided to dress up and go dancing. 

Dan continued to watch as the man went over to the urinal and unzipped his trousers. Trousers that were very tight and cupped the curve of his ass. Dan was still “washing his hands” as the man finished and walked toward the sinks himself. It was then that Dan realized he was staring and wasting water in a state that had signs everywhere stating they needed to conserve water. 

Dan turned off the tap and stood to his full height. 

“Hot damn, you are tall!” The man finished washing his hands and reached for the hand towel to dry them. Noticing that Dan was still stood there with wet hands, the man handed Dan a piece of hand towel with a smile. “Here.”

Shit. He was flirting with him and thought that Dan was staring at him with wet hands because he couldn’t reach the towel himself meant that Dan was interested in him. Shit. 

“Thanks.” Dan got the word out and then willed himself to take the offering. He looked to his hands as he dried them and hated that they were shaking. 

“Oh, you are cute.” The man turned down the volume of his voice, likely noticing that Dan was freaking out next to him. He walked closer but still kept some distance between them. “What is your name?” 

“James?” Dan said without conviction. James was the name he used to check into hotels but he never used it outside of that purpose. Well, other than earlier when he tried to enter the country and needed to explain the reason why he used a different name than what was stated as his first name on his passport. “I don’t know why I did that. My name is Dan.” 

“Fuck me, you are tall _and _British.” The man smiled at him. He was shorter, with his head probably coming up to Dan’s chest if they were to stand closer. 

Dan didn’t know what to say to the obvious statement so he attempted to smile back and heard the man groan to himself. 

“Damn, and dimples.” The man took another step closer and took the now damp towel out of Dan’s hands and threw it away. 

Dan had been flirted with before, from both men and women. Mostly men for some reason. Probably because the universe hated him and if he was going to have a secret shame about being gay, why not throw a bunch of interested gay man in front of him to dig that knife into his side. 

Dan never knew how to handle being flirted with. Did he tell them thanks but not interested? That he had a long-term boyfriend that didn’t like to share? Could he just walk away and pretend he was deaf or mute?

“You here with anyone? Or are you single?” The man likely figured Dan was being shy or that he was drunk. 

“I’m with someone. Two actually. There are out there.” Dan looked as he gestured toward the door of the bathroom. Hearing the man laugh, he turned back around and saw a flash of another man’s face on the one before him. One that had straight brown hair and what he thought had the bluist eyes at the time. A face that had been flushed by alcohol and the night air many years ago in a field outside of town. 

“That is hot.” The man continued to smile up at him and raised his hand to rest along Dan’s forearm. “Are you guys looking for a fourth to join you?” 

“Pancakes.” Dan blurted out and turned quickly, leaving the man to stand staring at his retreating form. Gently pushing his way through the crowd, Dan set his sight on Phil and rushed to get back to him. 

He bumped into the table and spilled some of their drinks when he stopped. His breathing was labored and he felt sweaty, and a bit ill. There was a lot of stimuli around him and his body couldn’t process it all at once. 

“Dan?” Phil asked touching his arm. 

Dan flinched and took a shaky breath, stepping away from the table and Phil’s hand and straight into a man walking behind him. He didn’t even have the thought to apologize and the man shouted something at him before he continued on his path. 

Dan could feel both Phil’s and John’s eyes on him and the room was getting smaller. His vision narrowing and the beat of the music pounding through his own heart. 

“Pancakes?” Phil asked from a distance. 

A distance Dan didn’t want but at this moment needed, and it broke the last part of composure he had. Nodding his head, Dan started for where he thought the exit to the club was and didn’t stop until he was back outside. The night air hit his lungs and he took a deep breath. The water was leaving his lungs and he felt like he could see again. 

The next thing he remembered was Phil’s voice guiding him toward the car he had ordered. Phil didn’t take his hand and he didn’t try to comfort him. He choked back a sob and looked out the window at the passing cityscape. 

They were back in their hotel and dressed for bed, stood in front of the same hotel mirror as before as they brushed their teeth. Phil finished first and went to untuck the blankets from their bed. 

Dan turned off the lights and joined him in bed. He stayed on his own side and flattened the blanket underneath his arms. He heard Phil doing the same on his side of the bed and the distance was too far. 

Untucking himself, Dan moved closer to Phil and laid his head on his chest. Phil moved his arm back so he could wrap it around Dan’s shoulder and then kissed his head. 

They fell asleep soon afterward. 

His internet persona was an exaggerated version of his true personality, but somewhere over the years, it became more comfortable to be that exaggerated version of himself rather than his true self. 

It was easy to switch into the persona when he was on stage or in front of a camera. It had become second hat to make a self-deprecating joke about himself or laugh at something awkward he had done. 

And while it was almost guaranteed to garner some views and memes, it wasn’t a healthy way to live a life. 

As part of his participating at VidCon, Dan had been asked to be in a few of their videos for the main channel. There was typically something that related to the creators' content so Dan was not surprised he was shown old videos of himself. 

What he was surprised by was the sudden pain of sadness that swept through his body as he saw the younger version of himself slowly enter the screen from the upper left corner. He had seen the video countless times in the ten years it had existed. He had been shown it before on various occasions and even reacted to it on his own channel. And it always made him cringe. However, before when he was shown the video, he was focusing on what was happening on the screen, not who was on the screen. 

Ever the professional personna in front of the camera, the emotional reaction was not captured on the VidCon video. He was able to make a quick joke about his video before moving on to the next. He was busy for the rest of the day and put it to the back of his mind. 

That night he woke from a dream where he was drowning in a field while others watched him. The people from his hometown were replaced by shouting audience members. People stood and watched as the shallow water entered his lungs and no one make a move to help him. He was frozen in place, unable to help himself. His consciousness becoming less and less aware as the water entered his lungs. 

He woke with a gasp and tried to place where he was. The hotel room was cold, much colder than his room back home. Despite the coldness of the room, he must have thrown off the blanket earlier in the night because there was nothing covering him. 

Turning towards the slight snoring he heard, he found Phil wrapped up fully in the blanket and thankfully still asleep. The time change and travel had messed with Phil’s sleeping pattern and they found that Phil’s headaches typically increased when he was not getting enough sleep. He needed his sleep. Dan never wanted to be sat in a doctor’s office again waiting to hear the fate of Phil’s health. Phil being ill in any way woke up that monster in his head and Dan was sick of hearing him. 

Dan stood to make his way to the small desk in the room but paused when he heard Phil’s breathing stop for a second. Just as soon as it stopped, the quiet snoring started again and Dan knew that he was still asleep. 

Phil’s jean jacket was lying on the desk chair, having been thrown there earlier in the night. He put it on over his long sleeve shirt to try to get warm. 

Opening up his laptop and sitting in the desk chair, Dan closed the ten tabs that Phil had left open and clicked for a new one. Entering his username and “Hello internet” into the search box, Dan clicked on the first result. An ad started to play and he quickly clicked the button to turn off the sound. Listening over his shoulder, Phil was still heard snoring and he waited for the ad to end. 

There he was. 

That scared and lonely boy that was about to go on the most staggering journey of his life. The boy that had already begun to give his heart to the man lying behind him. The boy that had a train ticket to another world away from that bedroom in that house in that town. The boy that in a few short days would kiss that man he was falling in like with and enter a new part of life. The boy that would fall in love with that same man and grow to be the one sitting on the desk chair in a too cold hotel room in California. 

He had been that boy. 

He had been someone who would rather face the end of his existence rather than have to deal with the truth of who he was. He had been someone who others had hurt and beaten down to the point he hated himself. He had been someone who was terrified his family would find out he liked boys. He had been someone who thought he could never be happy. Could never have the love of another man. Could never love himself. 

Dan moved the cursor back and paused the video. His 18 year old self was looking at the camera, not knowing that the 28 year old version of himself was looking back. Dan listened over his shoulder again to make sure that Phil was still asleep and then turned back to the paused video. Grabbing the edges of the jacket, Dan pulled the two sides closer together and squeezed them tight around his stomach before sitting further back in the desk chair. 

He had been that boy. 

He wasn’t sure how long he sat there, but he was woken up in the morning to the sun entering through the large windows. His neck hurt from the awkward position it had been in while he slept sat in the desk chair. The laptop was dark in front of him, with a blurry reflection of himself and a bit of the bed in the background on the screen. 

His hands were still gripped tight around his stomach holding the jacket in place. Releasing his grip, Dan raised his left hand to his neck and attempted to rub out the soreness. 

Taking a deep breath that turned into a yawn, Dan swirled the chair around and found Phil flopped out in the middle of the bed. The blanket was falling off the bed, with only Phil’s right leg still covered. He was still snoring and his hair was sticking up on the pillows. It was a sight he had seen many times over the years but it still stopped his heart knowing that Phil was his to love. 

Standing and stretching his tall frame, Dan took in the new view of Phil before picking up the blanket and returning to the bed. The room was still cold and Phil must be freezing. Keeping the jacket for warmth, Dan laid down next to Phil and wrapped the blanket around them both. Dan curled his arm around Phil’s waist and burrowed his head into the pillow, allowing himself to go back to sleep.


End file.
